Q & A: Help!! My Co-worker Broke My Heart

Hey Nina.

What should I do when I have a girl that was talking to another dude but was talking to me too. They stopped talking and she started to lead me on. but at work I saw them talking and got suspicious. I found out that she’s talking to one of my co-workers. she states that she never liked me but she met my family and I really thought that me and her had something. I really fell for her but she doesn’t feel the same. What should I do?

-JT

Hi J.T.,

Firstly, I want to say that I’m sorry that you feel heartbroken.  I understand exactly how it feels to be rejected by someone that you have strong feelings for and care about deeply. I know that you feel powerless at this very moment. However, I want you to know that you have far more power than you know.

Now, let me answer your question. As a third party looking at your situation, I can see a lot of poor decisions that you made that are now causing your pain.
From my understanding, it sounds like you and this girl never established a “relationship” beyond casual dating and conversation. Sure, you acted as a “couple” and did things that couples do, i.e., introducing her to your family. However, you didn’t talk with her to define the parameters of your relationship. That, my friend, was your biggest mistake.

Your lack of communication caused a lot of confusion for you. You may feel that she led you on. However, she might see the situation differently.

From my perception of the situation, you assumed that because she was no longer involved with the other guy, she wanted to be with you. You expected her to act like your girlfriend with no verbal agreement from her. You put your heart on the line in a big way without any guarantee that she felt the same way about you.

You knew that you had strong feelings for this girl. Why didn’t you tell her about your feelings for her and discuss having an exclusive, monogamous relationship in the beginning? You should have stood up for your heart by at least having a 10-minute conversation with her on where things were going. From what I gathered, she was and still is not looking for a serious relationship in the least. If you had talked to her, you would have understood where she was coming from and be able to cut your losses before you bet the farm.

Now you are here, hurting and distraught.

So, J.T. here’s what I think you should do:

1. Take RESPONSIBILITY for your part in this situation. You made assumptions and did not communicate your feelings.  You took it upon yourself to give someone rights in your life that did not prove to be worthy of those rights in the first place.

Acknowledge that you should have taken the opportunity to communicate with her that you wanted a commitment, but did not dare to do so. If you don’t take responsibility for this situation, you may well continue to set yourself up for heartbreak in the future.

2. Cut all contact with her, unless both of your jobs ABSOLUTELY depend on it. And even here, keep contact to a bare minimum. I mean only speak to her if your job is on the line. Don’t ask her for a pen, hoping this will lead to a conversation. LEAVE HER ALONE!  That also means no calling, no texting, no Facebook. Cut her out completely!

If you must speak with her (like you will be handed a pink slip if you don’t), be as cordial, courteous and brief as possible. Don’t linger around expecting her to fall in love with you. It’s not going to happen. Don’t allow yourself to be used by her. She seems like she is selfish and is only looking out for herself. Believe me; she will take advantage of you if the opportunity presents itself.

3. Begin to heal your heartbreak by loving yourself. I believe that if you had loved yourself enough, you would have been able to respect yourself enough to lay everything out and either be in a committed relationship with her or move on.

You have to love yourself. Really, this is the most important thing that you should do. You cannot understand how to love and receive love from someone else without knowing how to love yourself first.

Of course, you are going to ask me, “How do I love myself?” Well, that is quite a complicated process. The first thing I would do would be to set aside a little bit of time for myself every day and get to know myself on a deeper level. I would ask myself questions about my goals and where my life is headed and build from there. 15 minutes a day is all it takes to begin to love yourself. Focusing on being a better person is definitely one of the best ways to love yourself.

The above three steps are the most important things you can do to begin to get over your heartbreak. As you know, this is all a difficult process. You have to let go of your feelings for this girl and move on with your life. I  don’t see her changing her feeling for you anytime soon. And if she does, I think you are worth more than she can give you.

Lastly, I offer this advice for the future. Whenever you meet a new girl, before you invest yourself emotionally into the relationship, make sure that you both are on the same page with where things are going. Have the courage to have the “talk” with her and let her know how you are feeling and what kind of relationship you expect to have with her. This will ensure that you don’t get hurt.

Cathal Mac an Bheatha 

Love is a risky game. Whenever you invite people into your life, make sure that you know clearly what their intentions are with you. Ask questions and be vigilant about getting the answers. Sometimes, the answers are not what you want to hear. Then again, wouldn’t you rather hear the truth and make a choice based on that which can save you from the grief of heartbreak. I know I would.

You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and wants to be with only you.

If she is not ready to settle down with only you, then she just is not the one. Plain and simple. Don’t invest your time, energy and emotions into someone who is not willing to, at a minimum, give you the same in return. It’s not worth getting your heart broken.

I hope that these steps will help you and that you will better feel soon. I hope that this situation doesn’t leave you bitter about love. There is someone out there who will love you as much as you love them. You just have to love yourself first!

~Here’s to your healing,

Nina