Co-worker broke my heart

photo: Strep72

Hey Nina.

 

What should I do when I have a girl that was talking to another dude but was talking to me too. They stopped talking and she started to lead me on. but at work I saw them talking and got suspicious. I found out that she’s talking to one of my co-workers. she states that she never liked me but she met my family and I really thought that me and her had something. I really fell for her but she doesn’t feel the same. What should I do?

-JT

 

Hi JT.,
Firstly, I want to say that I’m sorry that you feel heartbroken.  I understand exactly how it feels to be rejected by someone that you have strong feelings for and care about deeply. I know that you feel powerless at this very moment. However, I want you to know that you have far more power than you know.

Now, let me answer your question. As a third party looking at your situation, I can see a lot of poor decisions that you made that are now causing your pain.
From my understanding, it sounds like you and this girl never established a “relationship” beyond casual dating and conversation. Sure, you acted as a “couple” and did things that couples do, i.e. introducing her to your family. However, you didn’t talk with her to define the parameters of your relationship. That, my friend, was your biggest mistake.

 

Your lack of communication caused a lot of confusion for you. You may feel that she led you on. However, she might see the situation differently.
From my perception of the situation, you assumed that because she was no longer involved with the other guy, she wanted to be with you. You expected her to act as your girlfriend with no verbal agreement from her. You put your heart on the line in a big way without any guarantee that she felt the same way about you.

You knew that you had strong feelings for this girl. Why didn’t you tell her about your feelings for her and discuss having an exclusive, monogamous relationship in the beginning? You should have stood up for your heart by at least having a 10 minute conversation with her on where things were going. From what I gathered, she was and still is not looking for a serious relationship in the least. If you had talked to her, you would have understood where she was coming from and been able to cut your losses before you bet the farm.

Now you are here, hurting and distraught.
So, JT., here’s what I think you should do:

1.    Take RESPONSIBILITY for your part in this situation. You made assumptions and did not communicate your feelings.  You took it upon yourself to give someone rights in your life that did not prove being worthy of those rights in the first place.

 

Acknowledge that you should have taken the opportunity to communicate with her that you wanted a commitment, but did not have the courage to do so. If you don’t take responsibility for this situation, you may well continue to set yourself up for heartbreak in the future.

 

2.    Cut all contact with her, unless both of your jobs ABSOLUTELY depend on it. And even here, keep contact to a bare minimum. I mean only speak to her if your job is on the line. Don’t ask her for a pen, hoping this will lead into a conversation. LEAVE HER ALONE!  That also means no calling, no texting, no Facebook. Cut her out completely!

 

If you must speak with her (like you will be handed a pink slip if you don’t), be as cordial, courteous and brief as possible. Don’t linger around expecting her to fall in love with you. It’s not going to happen. Don’t allow yourself to be used by her. She seems like she is selfish and is only looking out for herself. Believe me, she will take advantage of you if the opportunity presents itself.

 

3.    Begin to heal your heartbreak by loving yourself. I believe that if you had loved yourself enough, you would have been able to respect yourself enough to lay everything out and either be in a committed relationship with her or move on.

 

You have to love yourself. Really, this is the most important thing that you should do. You cannot understand how to love and receive love from someone else without knowing how to love yourself first.

 

Of course you are going to ask me, “How do I love myself?” Well, that is quite a complicated process. The first thing I would do would be to set aside a little bit of time for myself everyday and get to know myself on a deeper level. I would ask myself questions about my goals and where my life is headed and build from there. 15 minutes a day is all it takes to begin to love yourself. Focusing on being a better person is definitely one of the best ways to love yourself.

 

The above three steps are the most important things you can do to begin to get over your heartbreak. As you know, this is all a difficult process. You have to let go of your feelings for this girl and move on with your life. I really don’t see her changing her feeling for you anytime soon. And if she does, I think you are worth more than she can give you.

Lastly, I offer this advice for the future. Whenever you meet a new girl, before you invest yourself emotionally into the relationship, make sure that you both are on the same page with where things are going. Have the courage to have the “talk” with her and let her know how you are feeling and what kind of relationship you expect to have with her. This will ensure that you don’t get hurt.

 

Love is a risky game. Whenever you invite people into your life, make sure that you know clearly what their intentions are with you. Ask questions and be vigilant with getting the answers. Sometimes, the answers are not what you want to hear. Then again, wouldn’t you rather hear the truth and make a choice based on that which can save you from the grief of heartbreak. I know I would.

 

You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and want to be with only you.

If she is not ready to settle down with only you, then she just is not the one. Plain and simple. Don’t invest your time, energy and emotions into someone who is not willing to, at a minimum, give you the same in return. It’s not worth getting your heart broken.

 

 

I hope that this helps you and that you feel better soon. My hope is that this situation doesn’t leave you bitter about love. There is someone out there who will love you as much as you love them. You just have to love yourself first!

~Here’s to your healing,
Nina

About

Nina Appleby is the author of Heal Heartbreak Now!, which is a 5 step program that allows you to move past the pain of heartbreak, find endless happiness within yourself, and experience Real Love .

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How Do You Get Over A Break Up
Creative Commons License photo credit: katerha

I’m Ready To Move On, But How Do You Get Over A Break Up?

 

You are at the point where you are at your wit’s end, where you feel that it is time to get it together and finally move on, the point where you know you can no longer hold on for dear life. You are tired of suffering. You are tired of the sleepless nights, your mind constantly racing, and the anguish of heartbreak. You want all of this to be over with and are ready to reclaim your life.

That’s the turning point. That’s a great place to be.

Once you are at this turning point, you have to make a decision to actively seek to get over a break up. The answer to “How do you get over a break up?” is that you have to take positive action.

Most times, we go about this the wrong way. We continue to call our ex, take lousy advice from people who have no idea what we are going through, and worst of all, we blame and beat ourselves up miserably. These are the WRONG kind of actions to take!

I want to enlighten you a bit about what you need to do to get over a break up. I want you to know what you can do right now to get on track to get over your break up.

But first, I have to break down a HUGE LIE that’s been told to you. In order to get to a place of healing, you have to realize what this lie is and understand how the truth will empower you to get over a break up.

The Biggest Lie Told About Your Break Up: Time Is Really Not On Your Side!

The most common advice given to people who are dealing with a break up is: “Time heals all wounds.” Everyone seems to think this how you get over a break up.

Well, I going to tell you that I think this is by far the worst advice someone could ever give you!

Time heals all wounds is the biggest crock of bull I’ve ever heard. And guess what? You will probably get this advice ad nauseum when you are going through a break up.

This saying is missing a huge requirement, which is ACTION. You must, must, must, take action in order to completely get over a break up. No action=no progress! That’s how it works. So, if you take action in that “time”, you will get over a break up and move on with your life.  If you don’t, your time will be consumed with pain and bitterness.

We all know at least one person that suffered through a terrible break up. The break up might have happened one year ago, even five, 10, or 30 years ago. And guess what? They are still not over that person. Sure, they might have “moved on” in the time since. They might have even gotten married. But, deep down, they still feel the pain of that heartbreak and it has colored all of their experiences, especially concerning relationships, in a negative light. They didn’t take the right actions.

Don’t be that person.

Everyone suffering through a break up at one point wishes they could snap their fingers and fall out of love. It’s not that simple, but you can SNAP yourself onto the right path to get over a break up.

How Do You Get Over A Break Up With SNAP?

SNAP is designed to put you on the right path to healing and getting over a break up. It’s about getting you to take small, doable actions that will give you the momentum to move past this break up and move on with your life.

Breaking Down SNAP:

S= Shift Your Focus

Whatever you focus on becomes a big force in your life. If you are constantly focusing on your pain from the break up, that is what your life will become, painful.

Don’t focus on your break up.  Instead choose to focus on what you want to happen, which is you finding your happiness and moving on with your life, however that may be possible for you.  What I mean is that, sometimes your happiness may not be found by getting back together with your ex. This may be a painful concept to digest. Why should you spend the rest of your life being unhappy with someone who is unhappy with you? You shouldn’t, so move on.

N= Navigate Your Emotional Turbulence

 

Whenever you go through a break up, you are bound to deal with an onslaught of emotional residue from your relationship. Your emotions may gang up on you and have you more confused than ever. One minute you are extremely sad and depressed and the next minute you are angry as hell and want to beat the crap out of someone.

Your emotions may get the best of you if you do not know how to handle them. Start by acknowledging what you are feeling at the moment you feel it. Then, try to get to the root cause of that very emotion. Slowly peel back the layers of the emotion. Accept it and move forward.

If you are angry, for example, ask yourself: “Where is this anger coming from?” Is it coming from the way your relationship ended, or how your ex treated you in the relationship? Seek to find the source of your anger and then, allow yourself to really feel your anger. Don’t run from it or stuff it down because it will only make things worse. Afterwards, accept that you feel angry and redirect you emotions to a more positive one.

Learn how to deal with your emotions properly or your emotions will deal with you.


A= Awareness of Your Actions

You need to become aware of your actions, especially the ones that inflict more pain. That is, constantly calling and texting your ex, looking at their Facebook page to see what they are up to and who they are seeing now.  Stop torturing yourself. You’re just prolonging your pain and making things worse for yourself.

I strongly advise that you apply the no contact rule. Leave your ex alone. Trust me, if they wanted to be with you, they would.

P=Patience for Progress

I want you to be very gentle with yourself during this process. And with that, I want you to be patient with your progress. We live in an instant gratification society. Everyone wants everything now, if not yesterday. I know, you want to be over your break up and heartbreak, however, when you rush yourself, there is a tendency to overlook truly taking care of yourself.

Evaluate your progress day by day. Congratulate yourself whenever you take a step in the right direction. But, don’t beat yourself up if you fall off track. Acknowledge that you’ve made a small misstep and get back on track. Everything positive act counts ten times more than any mistake that you may make.

Final Thoughts

How Do You Get Over A Break Up? Take Continuous Positive Action!

I am very happy that you are at your turning point concerning your break up.  If you are committed to taking positive actions and follow through with the intention to be happy again, you can emerge from this heartbreak more powerful than ever.

Believe it or not, this is a critical time to decide that you will rise to the challenge of getting over your break up. Take action now.

It’s now or never. I believe that you can do it!

 

~Here’s To Your Healing!

How do you get over a break up

 

About

Nina Appleby is the author of Heal Heartbreak Now!, which is a 5 step program that allows you to move past the pain of heartbreak, find endless happiness within yourself, and experience Real Love .

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The Simplest Tool For Getting Over A Broken Heart!

April 11, 2011

photo credit: danisabella Getting Over A Broken Heart Just Got A Little Bit Easier! Everyone has a different philosophy on getting over a broken heart. Most people don’t even realize they have so much power literally in their hands right now. What if I told you that there is a simple tool that is available […]

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